Today is the beginning…or maybe it was yesterday. How does one track this kind of journey? The kind where you take back your life. Did I ever actually have it? Am I finally holding my own life in my own hands and not someone else’s? Who was even holding it?
Okay, today is Day 1. I took the Buspirone last night and again this morning. After I took it today, I felt AWFUL. So, I guess I need to take it with food. Annoying. I have IOP intake today at 10:30am. I put some facial creams on to get rid of the bags under my eyes from crying nonstop for almost 3 full days and I did some liner and mascara. Maybe to make myself feel better? It’s definitely a mask, though. I don’t know why I am hiding, or who I am hiding from.
Part of me feels shame about everything. I am ashamed that I need assistance with life. Maybe it goes back to addiction treatment, where people would say “everyone goes through shit every day. what makes you special?” It feels weak. I feel weak. I cannot continue to expect anyone to carry me though. I have to do this. I need to do this. I have 15 minutes to get my shit together. I want to back out but I cannot. I CANNOT.
14 minutes.
Maybe I’ll update this post after. Before I scrub my shower and go to the store to get supplies for the soup that I am going to make myself today. I will need lunch as well.
13 minutes.
I am rambling. I am so nervous. Wish me luck.
