I am approaching my 40s, quicker than I realized. While yes, I am a little over a month from 38, I am starting to fear certain age related issues cropping up that aren’t necessarily medical issues (but can cause them). One is my weight. Not just my weight but the definition of my body. Not to get attention from men or really anyone, but to ensure I can be a healthier version of me again. I used to be in shape, ate healthy, etc. But life got in the way (I let it get in the way), and now I’m chubby and eat horribly. I’ve gotten lazy. I’m ashamed, which makes it worse because I end up thinking “why bother starting? I’m only going to stop.” I know I need to fix that.
Anyway, so I hate that I have to buy size 10 pants and medium shirts. Yes, I know it could be ‘worse’, I’ve been way bigger than that EXCLUDING pregnancy and definitely less healthy. I say I eat horribly, but honestly we don’t order out, I make my coffee at home, we eat less processed foods and more fresh foods. Yes we do indulge, some days more than others because of sports or losing track of time. Sometimes we plan our take out days if we haven’t had something in a while that we can’t (but have tried) or don’t know how to make it at home and just want to order it. We do make our own Chinese, we did try sushi and it’s not off the table in the future, I make dishes that we can get for take out. My husband perfected his pizza dough. Anyway, the point of all that was, I’m used to being 100lbs and either in shape or skin and bones. This is the longest I’ve been overweight. Medication is partly to blame (thanks, Lexapro), but my lifestyle is too.
The best feeling in the world though?
When you’re riding your husband and he looks deep into your soul with an animalistic intensity and says “fuck baby you look so fucking good” in a way he’s never said it before, while grabbing your hips and taking in the view.
Even better?
I saw a Miami swimsuit show on TikTok. The women I saw had curves. Their thighs jiggled. Some had cellulite on their butts. They were just as sexy as the skinny or more toned models. No, I’m not a model nor will I ever attempt to become one, but I love that we’re celebrating bodies of all types. My millennial heart is so full. I grew up during Britney and Christina and Jessica. Got forbid they became ‘healthy’ weights, the tabloids exploded with “they’re fat!” I never realized the toll it took on my mental health.
Yes, I want to do and be better. Yes I need to get out of my head. But you know what? If my thighs stay jiggly and my cellulite stays, I know that my husband still looks at me (11 years together) like it’s our wedding night. Like I am water in a desert.
Ladies, get you a man who looks at you like he needs you to survive. Those men? They’ll dive face first into you and won’t let up until you’re drooling, shaking, and half dead (and he gets plenty of that in return, trust me).
The Professional Wife 